NPC Blues

    Sometimes, us gamers succumb to temptation and start playing around with the idea of "what would we be if this were real?" I.e., if we, as our real-life selves, were to suit up and go adventuring, what class would we be? Normally, the point of roleplaying is to step out of your own head and explore other worlds and people. But sometimes you just can't help but wonder.
    I don't recommend diving too deep into this particular thought exercise. I did, and it was just depressing.
    It was pretty easy to rule out some classes. I'm clearly not a warrior, as I have nothing that comes even remotely close to weapon proficiencies. Anybody who has ever seen me try to do anything even as "attack-like" as chopping firewood can attest. I'd do more damage to my own teammates than I would the enemy.
    Likewise, I'd be a terrible rogue, because I have virtually no manual dexterity. I have fat, clumsy, sausage-like fingers. To illustrate the point: in high school, I had to give up on playing bass guitar because I found the strings too small and close together. Putting me in charge of delicate work like picking locks and disarming traps would be asking to get a poisoned dart in the face.
    Cleric (or some other manner of divine caster) is right out, because I don't nearly have the level of faith or piety required to get on my god's good side.
    Like many people who consider themselves intellectuals, I immediately leap on the idea of being a wizard. They’re all nerdy and physically laughable, but command a lot of power based on their brains, right? Maybe so, but with a more honest examination of myself, that won’t work. I might be nerdy, but I’m not very good at studying. There was a lot of “winging it” that went on in high school and college. I don’t think that’s what you want out of your wizard. “Yeah, yeah, I read most of the spellbook. The end got kind of boring so I just skimmed it. I totally got the gist of it, though.” Not what you want to hear from the guy about to attempt a fireball. So I might ostensibly have the workings of a wizard, but in practice I think it would just be terrifying.

     The sad thought is that I might be a bard. Not even a cool adventuring bard who weaves spells into song and boosts allies and enchants enemies. I don’t think I’m even diplomatic enough to be the Face of the party. No, I’d be the type of bard who has focused on bardic lore; the most useless bar-trivia ability ever created. At best I’d be the NPC who the players encounter once to get some bit of info to solve a piece of the puzzle. Then they’d be off, and I’d be stuck trying to see if any of the townsfolk want to hear me recite dirty limericks.

Only not this much fun.

     See, my wife would be a rogue. She’s just full of skills, and has been known to sneak attack me on occasion. Whether it be cooking or sewing or painting the house or chainsawing fallen trees, she can do it all. I often say that my survival plan for the coming apocalypse is my wife. She’s the one with all the useful skills, and my only hope is to say, “I’m with her! If you want her in your fortified compound, you have to take me, too!” Now I’m realizing this is my only chance to get to go on the adventure, too.

     So, take it from me. Be happy that you’re not yourself in the D&D world. Otherwise you’re going to be stuck at the inn with me while everybody else goes off to get the experience points and gold pieces.